Here I am again. The past few months have helped me recalibrate what strength means to me, and assess why I had an issue with vulnerability. In short, I was feeling depressed. And I knew that I had to take some time to deal with all that and heal myself.
There is this toxic positivity that I used to take pride in. I was telling myself to think positive thoughts and I’ll be alright. Until it didn’t work anymore. Also, I took pride in having my shit together, especially spiritually and emotionally. So, to admit that my faith was broken, I was mad and felt lonely and hurt added to my depression even more, as my constructed identity was getting shattered in my face. It wasn’t until I acknowledged that I wasn’t feeling well and that I was hurting, that I started the process of healing.
While I was dealing with myself, I did not want to deal with the outside world that much. I spent many days indoors, smoking weed, binge watching whatever Netflix was giving me, watching porn and eating a LOT of food. Basically embracing my shadows and comforting myself in them. Within a few weeks, I gained over 6 kg extra weight. But knowing that I was gaining weight did not stop me from eating more. I felt lost, ugly, disappointed.. I was in pain with little motivation. I cried a lot. I wrote often in my diary and spent time in solitude to lick my wounds. Music helped me release a lot. I was dealing with a broken heart and a broken faith. I was mad, resentful, confused. After a long time I felt this vulnerable. And I hated it! I just wanted to feel strong again. Because to me, having my shit together was one of my best qualities.
Not being able to control my emotional state made me feel incompetent. I was disappointed in my inability to keep going with a smile on my face. I felt weak. Not being able to magically take the pain away made me wonder what I could do. Also what the purpose of living is. I felt like a failure for not being able to practice what I preached. I was mad at myself and life for feeling so mad and empty. And then, as I was accepting, forgiving, releasing and healing, it gradually got better in time. The heaviness began to feel lighter. Until last week I felt great, but I knew I wasn’t ready to step out again… And now I am.
With this being said, I want you to know that it’s ok to not be ok. Give yourself time to heal and don’t force yourself to live up to any created identity; it’s a trap! Do what works for you in every moment of the now. There are going to be moments that your faith is not as strong, and you can’t see the light anymore. Sometimes we get hurt, and we hurt ourselves. Take time to heal at your pace, on your terms. Face your shadows – they won’t go anywhere until you’re able to look at them, and embrace them. Have people in whom you can confide. Feel what you must feel and know that it will pass. Don’t suppress anything. Remember that the human experience is a rich one, filled with emotions and experiences, including sadness and pain.
We all go through shitty periods. Just make sure that when you get out of that shitty place, come out with experience, grace, love and wisdom. See the purpose in everything, even the darkest moments of your soul. And remember that we live in a kind, intelligent and loving universe. Remember that the Creator of this universe is a Sweet Architect and a Loving Creator.