More Self-centered but Not More Selfish

Dears,

I’ve realized that I’m the most self-centered version of myself I’ve ever been. Now bear with me… Being self-centered is not the same as being selfish.

While selfishness is without regard for and at the expense of another, being self-centered means making decisions that are centered around our desires, well-being, and sustainability but not at someone else’s expense. (At least not always nor intentionally. Very often we tend to think of situations in binaries, in terms of either/or, but life is usually more nuanced than that, meaning that more often than not, decisions won’t have to be either at your expense or someone else’s.) I see these decisions rooted in self-centeredness as stemming from attunement with ourselves and our wants and needs before the expectations, wants, and needs of those outside of ourselves. I’m finally learning that it’s healthy as it’s sustainable to put myself first, even though I sometimes still feel guilty for doing so.

I’m the least selfish yet the most self-centered I’ve ever been. Because making decisions that add to your sustained well-being before extending yourself to the world is an important form of self-care. So very often we are told what we should and shouldn’t do, and who we should and shouldn’t be. We are constantly under the influence of external stimuli, receiving ideas that are being thrown onto us to the point that we tend to get immersed in wants and expectations from the world outside ourselves and may end up losing regard for our own sense of identity and our own communion with our divinity.

There were many times I agreed to do things that I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to let people down. Now, out of a place of self-centeredness, I’m finding it easier to say “no” without feeling guilty. Saying “no”, by the way, it’s not always easy. Even though I may not feel guilty anymore, I contemplate a lot. Especially if you are used to pleasing people over yourself, saying “no” is like a muscle that must be trained. It’s never a selfish decision when you’re actually contemplating so many variables before deciding for yourself. A selfish person wouldn’t care about anyone but themself.

To thine own self be true
Shakespeare

An important element of self-centeredness is self-honesty. Sitting with the question of “What do I truly want?” can be confronting when making decisions that may lead to you choosing for yourself. Because becoming more self-centered means living more in alignment with our truths. It’s terrifying sometimes to admit what you truly want.

But I’m learning that acting from a place of self-centeredness does not mean acting from a place of carelessness. Self-centeredness doesn’t mean apathy. Self-centeredness is not the same as selfishness. In fact, there’s a lot of concern that goes into making decisions centered in ourselves. I know that I don’t intend to disregard people. Nor will I lack consideration for the wants and needs of those I deal with. It’s just that I won’t lack consideration for my desires and needs first.

There is kindness in self-centeredness. There is love in putting myself first. There is respect in honoring my needs before the world’s demands. There is peace in centering myself before extending myself.