Mainly having a spiritual take on things, starting with how we see ourselves, I usually delve into metaphysics. But… something happened today. It’s been building up over the past few days, actually. Looking at Dutch society, and how deeply rooted racism is disguised in tradition and ignorance, triggered something in me: anger.
I respect and honor all my feelings and know that they will go as they come. So I make sure to be more observant than reactive when it comes to my emotions and the feelings they bring with them. But I also felt the need to actually express this sentiment as a human being and not limit my intake merely to spiritual matters anymore.
And yes, albeit spiritual, by nature, I am human, too. And as a Black person in the world, you can’t turn a blind eye to injustice on Black people. Believe me, I tried; I have reserved myself from getting involved in difficult conversations, especially racial discussions. But something happened today. I was heavily triggered in a room full of Caucasian students, and a Caucasian professor, studying Caucasian history and political stuff.
And as this feeling was rising within – anger – I had to put it out; I didn’t want it to boil inside of me. I wrote this poem during the lecture, and at a certain point, I had to leave the room to call a friend and cry. Because I felt black. Not spiritual. But the black person who grew up with love from my mom and also was handed a skin with a bunch of stereotypes. The black guy who felt insignificant in a room full of white people. In such a heavy current cultural environment as it is right now in the Netherlands, I felt looked down on by a society that doesn’t see how it’s hurting us. I was so overwhelmed, crying and crying, as my dear friend was consoling me on the phone and encouraging me to rise back and remember my nature.
Do you know how that feels? To be black – beautifully black, marvelously excellent, wise, intelligent, and ambitious, with so much to offer – and still not feel like I belong in a society that you’re a legal citizen of in 2019? I do. As the anger subsided, and I got back to myself, I still wanted to share the experience with you. Here is “I AM MAD.”
I am still more concerned with metaphysics, and the mystical. But I can’t turn a blind eye to my human nature. I can’t deny how fucked up this society is. And this is me acknowledging the sentiments.
JunealHolder.blog 