I AM MAD

Having mostly a spiritual take on things, starting with how we see ourselves, I usually delve in the metaphysics. But… something happened today. It’s been building up over the past few days, actually. Looking at the Dutch society, and how deeply rooted racism is disguised in tradition and ignorance, triggered something in me: anger.

I respect and honor all my feelings, and I know that as they come, they will go. So I make sure to be more observant than reactive when it comes to my emotions and feelings they bring with them. But I also felt the need to actually express this sentiment as a human being and not limit my intake merely to spiritual matters anymore.

And yes, albeit spiritual, by nature, I am human, too. And as a black person in the world, you can’t turn a blind eye on injustice on the black race. Believe me, I tried; I have reserved myself from getting involved in difficult conversations, especially racial conversations. But something happened today. I was heavily triggered in a room full of Caucasian students, and a Caucasian professor, studying Caucasian history and political stuff.

And as this feeling was rising within – anger – I had to put it out; I didn’t want it to boil inside of me. I wrote this poem during the lecture, and at a certain point I had to leave the room to call a friend and cry. Because I felt black. Not spiritual. But the black person that grew up with love from my mom and also was handed a skin with bunch of stereotypes. The black guy that felt insignificant in a room of Caucasians. In such a heavy current cultural environment as it is right now in the Netherlands, I felt looked down on by a society that doesn’t see how it’s hurting us. I was so overwhelmed, crying and crying, as my dear friend was consoling me on the phone and encouraging me to rise back and remember my nature.

Do you know how that feels? To be black – beautifully black, marvelously excellent, wise, intelligent and ambitious, with so much to offer – and still not feel at place in a society that you’re a legal citizen of in anno 2019? I do. As the anger subsided, and I got back to me, I still wanted to share the experience with you. Here is “I AM MAD.”

I am still more concerned with metaphysics, and the mystical. But I can’t turn a blind eye on my human nature. I can’t deny how fucked up this society is. And this is me acknowledging the sentiments.

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