Own Your Self

#NoteToSelf 13.

It’s easy to like the “good” guy. It’s easy to love the lovable. It’s easy to elevate, and appreciate the ones that set “good examples”. Funny thing is that you are not only the “good”; you have both the good and the bad in you. You’re fighting your demons, but many times you are afraid to face them. You choose to show the world the bright side of you, forgetting that shadows make you whole. Embrace the shadows until you become light. Remember, that what to you may be some bad quality of yourself, can serve as a point of reference, a quality that makes you relatable. Don’t hide all that you are, for you are perfect in all what may be perceived as imperfections. Your ideologies are what they are – ideas. The world’s ideologies are what they are. Whether you fit in them or not, you continue to be perfect. Don’t forget that.

List all that you think you are. The good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing, the dark, the sick, the kinky, the love, the light, the positivity… See yourself as you are right now. Accept yourself as you are right now. Embrace yourself as you are right now. Don’t try to explain it. Just state it. So, who are you right now?

Right now I’m Juneal. I would consider myself as someone mostly happy. I like to smile. Little things make me happy. There are scars that I’m still healing. I’ve been beaten by my aunt when I was 5 years old for kissing a boy and I still can’t understand why. It bothers me when I think about it. I used to resent my father for not being present, now I just don’t care about him. I smoke weed more than I would like to. I can be insecure about my body. I’m afraid of heights (trampolins scare me). I enjoy reading nonfiction books. I love to share. I want to be vegan, but I’m not fully there yet. I spend lots of money eating bagels because I don’t know what else to eat. I don’t cook often. I watch gay porn and masturbate and feel empty after that, but chances are big that I’d still do it again some other time. I’m gay since I can remember.

Sometimes I worry too much about how people would see me, other times I really don’t care. I’m hospitable. I value friendship a lot. I also value solitude very much. I do consider myself as social, but my personal space is crucial. I dislike small talks and superficial conversations. I can dance to meaningless songs. I stand up for what to me is fair. I stand up for myself. I’m sensitive. I can be very direct as well. This is my current self.

This is my idea of self. This is my current version of self. I am owning it. I am accepting it. I am embracing it. I am forgiving it. I am redeeming it. All this, so I can change it.