I will find my way home

#NoteToSelf 1

I haven’t written in over 6 months. I have this blog since November 2015. I still remember the date; November 3rd, 2015. Ahh.. So much has happened since then. And here I am, trying to find the words to compose something. I know there is so much my heart wants to let out, but I just can’t find the words. I just deleted all my previous posts because I do not resonate with that Juneal anymore.

Let me tell you a bit about this year. This year was eventful. So many experiences, people… It was an overwhelming year. The most amazing, challenging year I have had in… I don’t know. I can’t recall. It was challenging.

I thought I had it all figured out at the beginning of this year, except my school and work. I wanted to do a lot with my creativity. I intended to create videos, start writing my first book, expand my website and my brand. I started with the videos – and that was it. Those are not even online anymore.

I wanted to be “evolved”. As I’m writing down these words I can’t help but to smile and cry at the same time. So many emotions arise. What an eventful year.

From Jun Talks to creating the concept of TheFabGranny and then stopping with both, from quitting my job and studies in January/February to getting accepted into Erasmus 2 days after my birthday and getting the job I intended to manifest in May, from quitting smoking weed for 18 days to getting back at it every day, and from eating meat every day to spending over 158 days of this year without eating animal flesh, my year was eventful.

In the midsts of all those changes and experiences, between feeling alive and useless, I learned a lot. You can’t imagine how many times I’ve cried this year, how confused and out of place I have felt.

People that did not know me have criticized me.

I have promoted products and brands I didn’t support.

I created an image that I couldn’t live up to.

I became afraid.

I met amazing people.

I got drunk at an introduction camp and went wild.

I got a zero for a final paper I worked 8 weeks on because I uploaded the wrong document.

I booked wrong tickets, ended up way beyond my budget in Portugal where I had an amazing vacation.

I have had magical moments and I have felt lonely as fuck.

After a creative block for months, this is my first step back home. I cleaned my slate. I learned the lessons. I am ready to flow with life and stop trying to control everything. I quit trying to impress people. I’m comfortable being vulnerable.

I realized that the most uncertain things turned out perfect. In January I didn’t know what would happen with my studies or my job, but I was convinced that it would turn out perfect. It did. Right now I don’t know what I’m doing. I just want to feel home. I just want to be excited about life again. I want to feel aligned with a more purposeful version of myself. I know it’s there, somewhere.

From now on, I will start writing some notes to myself. This is NoteToSelf #1. I do consider these as notes or messages from my more conscious self. I hope that these can help you as well as I hope they will help me. I know that my life is a mess right now. But I will find my way home.

NoteToSelf 1 - www.JunealHolder.blog

 

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